


The Princess Drop

by Cosicant



Category: Baccano!, Naruto
Genre: And By Certain Definitions of Everything, By Certain Definitions of Fix, Crack Crossover, Gen, Isaac and Miria Fix Everything
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2020-10-04 08:01:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20467700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cosicant/pseuds/Cosicant
Summary: Isaac and Miria find themselves in Konoha and embrace their role as mysterious strangers in this exotic place to accomplish good deeds to make up for all of their past ones.





	1. The Jounin Commander Knows that Sometimes There is Nothing Underneath the Underneath

Nara Shikaku was engaged in a staring contest with his paperwork. And the paperwork was winning. Likely because the paperwork didn’t have eyes…or need eyes…or sleep. Lucky paperwork, it could just sit there in its neatish smug stacks, taunting him with the hours of surveillance reports he still needed to read through. He had already pawned of the majority of the Oto reports to his secretary Aiko, who was probably cursing him and his ancestors at this point, and still the paperwork did not end.

He had considered mysteriously vanishing, leaving his secretary to scream in helpless rage while he got disappeared in a bar, but then Aiko would tell his wife who would take away his caffeine and while he was going through withdrawal Killer B would sneak into the village and stab the Hokage…probably while rapping.

And yes, he was still bitter about the chuunin exam clusterfuck. Orochimaru should never have been able to assassinate the Kazekage and invade the village without a hint of his plans showing up in intelligence reports. And if that hadn’t been troublesome, not even two weeks later, Itachi Missing Nin Uchiha strolls into the village with Kisame Hoshigaki, sticks one of their top jounin into a coma, nearly kidnaps their jinchuriki, and still not a whiff of warning of this visit or the organization they had belonged to in any of their reports.

Thankfully, Jiraiya had been more competent and dropped off some notes on the Akatsuki, and several scouting squads had been sent out to sabotage or tap into several of the organization’s potential communication cables, but this was unacceptable. S-rank criminals should not be able to keep sneaking into his village. More importantly, they should not be able to sneak in without his knowledge.

His agents were either incompetent or there was a security breach. He was going to overhaul the entire intelligence network and put Aiko in charge. If his agents were incompetent, and continued to be incompetent, Aiko would fire them. If there was a breach Aiko would find it and then set the breach on fire, ideally after handing it over to T&I.

But until the council gave permission for his improvements, his agents completed their retraining, and Aiko stopped cursing and throwing things at him, which would gain momentum once she realized what position he was planning to promote her to, he would make sure that every kami-cursed report was looked over for information on the Akatsuki and other S-rank threats. And make Aiko check that Killer B wasn’t sneaking into Konoha for a stabbing spree.

Maybe the paperwork was beginning to get to him, but correct intelligence was worth it’s weight in corpses, and as long as he could keep his home, his clan, his family safe…the endless parade of paperwork would be worth it.

Shikaku rubbed his eyes, and muttering under his breath about troublesome handwriting, grabbed a report flagged for further analysis about spies on the Eastern border.

_Report Reference Number: _ _ICPSOB-137958Squid_

_Scout on Duty: _ _Keipo Takuna_

_Designation: _ _Chuunin_

_Location: _ _15 km South of Amegakure, 3 km West of Konoha_

_Time: _ _11:40 AM_

_Due to the bizarre conversation concerning time zones and the coordinated but strange movements of the two travelers identified at the border, the two are suspected to be as spies. The movements and conversation do not match any commonly known codes. The conversation has been detailed below._

_It is requested by this scout that this report be sent to the Intelligence Division for further analysis._

_Arriving on scene of the activation of a proximity seal by border outpost 17G, scout noted two people in conversation;_

_1) a pale female with long blond hair, brown eyes, in a shiny blue dress with rectangle patterns, the words “Police Box” written in white at the top , identified by companion as Miria designated in report as M1_

_2) a pale male with short styled brown hair, blue eyes, brown overcoat, wide brim brown felt hat, colorful stripped scarf, identified by companion as Isaac designated in report as I1_

_M: “But Isaac, we can’t be mysterious strangers. Mysterious strangers always arrive at sunset.”_

_I1 waggles his right index finger at M1: “Ah, but you see Miria, since we walked east we must clearly be in the land of the rising sun, which means it is the home of the rising sun. And what do we do at the end of a busy workday?”_

_M1 humming softly tilts her head to the side: “…plot our next good deed?”_

_I1: “Yes, but after that.”_

_M1 straightens from tilt and catches right fist in left hand: “We sleep!”_

_I1 flings his left arm to the horizon (towards village): “And like us the sun must sleep, or set as it were, and where does it go to sleep, my dear?”_

_M1 nods at the horizon: “Of course, it goes home!”_

_I1: “Exactly, home, and here we are in the home of the rising sun, which means it is always sunset here.”_

_M1: “That’s amazing! I thought that since the sun was in the middle of sky it was noon.”_

_I1: “A common misconception, what time it is, is dependent on where you are. That is why they are called time zones.”_

_M1: “So, Isaac, does that mean everyone here is a mysterious stranger?”_

_I1: “Precisely, Miria. It is impossible for another human being to absolutely know another human, so by extrapolation we are all clearly strangers.”_

_M1 turns abruptly around to look at I1 and dramatically flails her hands in the air: “Wow, if we’re all strangers, but here we are mysteries strangers, that means that being here must make us mysterious!”_

_I1 nods and grabs hold of M1’s hand. M1 giggles as I1 begins a dramatic march towards the village: “Exactly, come now it is time to live up to our name and ride into town!”_

_M1 follows I1’s lead, mimicking I1’s dramatic steps: “Right!”_

Shikaku smirked to himself before scribbling that the request for transfer was denied and allocating the report to the sadly small ‘Not Troublesome pile’. Their conversation was strange, but lacked any signs of a cohesive pattern indicative of codes; a clear example that the current scouts needed to be retrained. He reached for the next report from the closest stack, one report down, 137 more reports to read.


	2. The Gate Guard Should Have More Hobbies Than Messing with His Subordinates

“Captain, I have identified beings that should be brought in for questioning.” The newly appointed Hyuuga motioned to a pair of strangely dressed civilians waiting for approval to enter.

Daike sighed, “Look I know it’s your first week on the job and you’re eager to prove yourself, but that’s no reason to pull over every civilian.”

“These civilians are behaving outside of normal behavior patterns.”

Damn it, this was going to be like that time the Hyuuga tried to get approval to strip search that cabbage merchant for ‘suspicious’ whistling. “What is it that these civilians are doing that is ‘outside normal behavior patterns’?”

“Captain, the male in their group is attempting to walk using a fake prosthetic and appears to have a sock with some feather on his shoulder that he has tried to feed a cracker.”

Okay, trying to feed inanimate objects was pretty weird. Daike could understand why the Hyuuga had singled them out. Daike looked over from his post at the potential security breach, “Is it just me or does that prosthetic look like a cut up branch?”

The Hyuuga nodded, “Captain, I suspect that the prosthetic in question is part of a stump that the civilian in question located in the nearby woods.”

“Huh.” The girl orbiting around the man had a black twirled mustache drawn on her face and eyepatch that she kept pulling to the side and then putting back over her clearly functioning eye. “What did they say they were here to do?”

The Hyuuga presented him with the messy form the couple had filled out at the gate, “The form says that their purpose in Konoha is to ‘search for adventure, find a horse, and ride him into the sunset.”

“Are they aware that we don’t have any horses?”

“Yes captain.”

“And they still want to enter?”

“When I informed them that Konoha does not contain any horses for their use, the male reassured the female with much flailing that ‘even without a noble steed they were sure to find adventure in a town with such an exotic name.’”

Daike glanced back at the couple. The girl was trying to feed the sock on the man’s shoulder a cracker, cooing something about Polly. “Let them in.”

“Captain?” If the Hyuuga didn’t consider twitching beneath him, he was pretty sure his new subordinate would be twitching.

“You were right about the abnormal behavior, but these people aren’t dangerous.” The Hyuuga opened his mouth to say something, but was quickly interrupted. “We’re going to remember these civilians because of their strange behavior. If they had dangerous intentions then they would be trying not to draw attention to themselves through their obviously weird behavior.” Daike paused for a moment considering other security breaches and amended, “With the exception of crazy dangerous people, but crazy dangerous people would have just attacked or found some other way in instead of standing patiently in line to fill out a form.”

The Hyuuga was not convinced. “Part of our job is to report suspicious behavior. But, captain, you are saying that these people are so suspicious that they can’t be suspicious.”

Oh, Daike had managed to ruffle his subordinate’s feathers. This was going to be fun. “Exactly.”

“By that logic why isn’t Guy Konoha’s spymaster? His dynamic entries are so….unique….that the enemy couldn’t possibly think that he was spying.”

“What makes you think he isn’t?”

“I do not believe he is the spymaster, since I have yet to hear of any reports concerning a green blur running 100 laps around Kumo yet.”

“Do you know who our spy master is?”

“No-“

“Then there’s nothing to say that he can’t be our spymaster.”

“Captain, please allow me to clarify your logic. You are saying that Guy could be Konoha’s spymaster because no one would suspect him of being a spymaster due to how abnormal his behavior is.” The Hyuuga was clearly hoping that Daike would realize how ridiculous his logic was and finally agree to common sense.

His subordinate would just have to get used to disappointment. “Yup.”

“And that these suspicious strangers with abnormal behavior are not suspicious because their behavior is to abnormal and thus they should be dismissed. By your logic, how can you be certain that these are not elites sent to wipe us all out, since we would never suspect them of being capable of doing so?”

Daike stopped, tilted his head to the side as if chewing something over in his head. “That’s some pretty circular logic.”

The Hyuuga thinly smilled, “I am aware-“

“Especially concerning civilians that do not have the chakra development of ninja or signs of carrying explosive devices.” Daike looked at the Hyuuga with an unrepentant grin, “As your captain, I’m concerned for you and your mental health. Tell me, have you talked to anyone about your paranoia?”

The Hyuuga blinked at him.

Closer, but not there yet. “I know it can be difficult to talk to and trust people right now, but I know people in the mental health unit in the hospital that can help.”

The Hyuuga blinked at him again.

He was so close, he just to push the Hyuuga a bit farther, “Just remember, even if you are convinced that Guy Maito is our resident spymaster, that cabbage merchants are Iwa plants-“

“He was whistling in a suspicious rhyming patterns similar to old Iwa poems. What merchant does that?”

“-or that a couple of civillian tourists are amazing elites so amazing that not even the bingo book has an entry referencing them, that there is way back from paranoia.” He looked the Hyuuga straight in the eye and placed his hand his subordinate’s should, “I want toy to know that there are still people that care for you.”

The Hyuuga twitched.

Daike declared victory in his mind and fake-sighed. It wasn’t a good idea to poke the Hyuuga further than twitching today, he would save that for tomorrow, “Still, as your superior it is my job to look after your health, and if it will help to limit your anxiety concerning unrealistic threats, I’ll mark the civilians as people of interest and arrange to have someone covertly follow them to ensure they don’t steal any horses.”

The Hyuuga scowled, “Konoha doesn’t have any horses.”

“It’s part of our ingenious plan to ensure that no one can steal them. People can’t steal from us what we don’t have.”

“…captain…I suspect I finally understand why there was an opening on your team.”

Daike motioned to a different guard giving him permission to allow the strange couple to pass through the gate and into the town. “Truly?”

“It is because you are insane.”


	3. The Copycat Ninja Ends Up Leaving Many Notes Concerning Unapproved Nicknames

In hindsight, he should have waited until after the surveillance mission posted by Toriko Daike had been accepted, and then shown up to give his report to the Hokage. Hatake Kakashi had made the mistake of assuming that she wouldn’t assign him a D rank if he was only a modest ten minutes late. Clearly, she was more upset about him missing his 5th rescheduled physical than he realized. The moment he had entered the room, she had turned on him with a very specific gleam in her eye. He recognized that gleam.

It was the same gleam her predecessor got whenever he assigned the Tora mission to a gennin team; the I-will-be-laughing-at-your-pain gleam. He should’ve escaped out the window when he had the chance.

Unfortunately, because he had some semblance of responsibility (and certainly not because his Hokage was terrifying and would assign him to patrol duty with Guy if he took the window exit) he was now stuck on the cursed D rank surveillance mission, and he knew it was cursed. He didn’t know how yet, but it would be. Daike never submitted a mission that wasn’t painful. They always seemed simple and straight forward, but then devolved into things like compiling forty years of Iwa sonnets from Anko’s personal collection, getting a picture of Tora in a sweater, collecting ANBU overdue paperwork, and smuggling alcohol past the Hokage’s assistants.

It was also incredibly convenient that a D-rank surveillance on tourists in the village would keep him within easy grabbing range in time for his 6th re-scheduled health checkup while the Hokage terrorized Konoha’s medical staff. Such a pity he would have to miss the appointment, he needed to re-read Icha Icha Dynamic to make sure he hadn’t missed any subtext in the treehouse scene. His Hokage would understand.

The tourists were strange, but harmless. He had followed them from the corner of his eye while flipping through Icha Icha as the two went through two costume changes, watched their odd coordinated running about along with their strange loud lamentations about the lack of horses and proclamations about how “exotic” the village was, and kept an eye on them when they entered the shop that Guy got green spandex from. He was very happy when they decided not to buy the form fitting tie dye pants or wear the black spandex outfits that they bought (there was only so people wearing spandex he could handle in a week). It was outside the store that his targets noticed him.

“Miria, I think I recognize that man there.”

“Really!” The girl stared at him, leaning sideways to her companion as she failed to whisper quietly, “Do you think he might be a movie star?”

“No, but I noticed him in the clothing store, on the block before the store, on the sidewalk after the store…actually now that I think about it…I think he might be following us.”

“How suspicious.”

“Very suspicious.”

The two tourists stared at him and his book with the odd intensity that many people had when they were waiting for him to eat. They had noticed him, and now he wouldn’t be able to approach them without suspicion. How unfortunate. Now, he would now be forced to report the mission as failed and request a new assignment that didn’t include stalking civilians-

“Do you think he might be with the cops?”

Or not. Damn it. He sighed flipping past one of his favorite chapters in his beloved novel. Normal civilian tourists should not immediately assume that the stranger following them was associated with the police. Why couldn’t Daike’s missions ever be simple?

“No Miria, no cop would go around wearing a mask. No one would trust him.” So the two strangers did not expect him to be ANBU…ignorance or an act to throw him off track? The male continued, “It’s much more likely that he’s a bandit.”

…well…at least, that’s was a much more normal assumption, and it was better than screaming that he was a pervert. “But if he were a bandit, wouldn’t he already have cornered us in a dark alleyway and told us to reach for the sky.”

“Hmm…you’re right…he hasn’t seemed nefarious, threatened to murder us, or mentioned anything about getting down on the ground and not moving.” Just how much experience did these travelers have with bandits? Had they come here to request escorts?

“Isaac, do you know what this means? Mister Bandit isn’t wearing a mask for nefarious purposes.” Joy. His disputable honor had been cleared, and they could agree he wasn’t planning to stab them in an alleyway, but he did not agree to that nickname. He would not agree to that nickname. “He’s just shy.”

Kakashi stopped mid-flip of a page. He wasn’t often accused of being shy, but if that stopped them from meddling with him and allowed him to complete the mission (and ensure they weren’t hiding any important details if they submitted an escort request), he could ignore the accusation.

“I see…that must be why he’s following us.” It was always nice when targets made the incorrect assumptions for his actions. They never tried to look for real objectives afterwards. “He wants to talk to us, but is too shy to talk to us and is hiding his face behind a mask and a book!” “

He resented that, for Icha Icha’s sake (not his own he had long since thrown away whatever sense of shame he had). Icha Icha was not simply a tool he was using to direct attention away from him. He was drawing attention to the series so that others would come to learn and appreciate it’s art.

The man grasped his companion’s hands and sniffled, “He’s just like the poor match girl in the snow, looking in on windows and wanting be where it warm, but he can’t even bring himself to knock on the door to be let in.”

His own desire to avoid social interaction was not the same thing as dying in the snow. He did not approve of the comparison.

“Poor Mister Bandit. It’s too tragic.” The girl’s eyes began to water while her eyes filled with a horrifyingly familiar determination. “We have to help him!”

“You’re right.” The girl’s companion wiped away his own tears as he looked towards Kakashi. “It’s our duty as mysterious strangers that arrive at sunset to help those in need.”

Why were they talking about sunsets? And why were they crying?

“Mister Bandit, it’s all right.” The girl approached him with her hands out, trying valiantly to hold back her tears. “You don’t need to run from us. We’ll be your friends.”

No. Nope. Definitely not. Kakashi took a few steps back as the girl approached. He did not want anymore friends and he definitely did not need anymore friends.

The man sighed. “…I’m afraid his shy condition must be worse than we thought. In fact, I think…”

“What is it, Isaac? Is he dying? Is it cancer?”

“No, Mister Bandit is a tsundere.” He still had not agreed to that nickname, and he wanted it on record, every record (even the ones in T&I), that he did not agree to that label. “This means that we can not apply the normal rules of social interaction to him. We must wear him down and make him accept friendship!”

If he were a paranoid man, he would suspect that this was retribution because he kept missing his physical. Then reminded himself either way that this was all the Hokage’s fault and that he should forget his next two scheduled appointments.

**Author's Note:**

> And so begins the madness from an idea that had me maniacally giggling. More characters may be added as more chapters are written. 
> 
> Please let me know if there are any grammar/spelling errors.


End file.
